Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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