apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
