What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
