remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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