I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
