Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
