gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
