dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
