i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
