im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
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I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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