he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
