I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
