i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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