now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
