I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
