I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
