apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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