i was rollin on her like bob the builder
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
