Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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