i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
