If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
