the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
