i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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