hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
