i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My dick has a subreddit
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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