Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
