i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
