My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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