Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
