Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
