Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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