he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
