There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
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