I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
