I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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