Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
