Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
