did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
