mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
