I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
