talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
