I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
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