She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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