Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
