It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
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I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
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i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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