We're facebook friends in real life
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
