There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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