Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
