i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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