I hate all girls vehemently.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
