yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
