My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
