:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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