I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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