I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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