My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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